At AMBER, we believe in the power of shared experiences to inspire growth and transformation. In this heartfelt piece from our Sister Stories series, a valued member of the AMBER community reflects on her journey through life’s joys and challenges. Through her candid insights, she uncovers a profound realisation: while protecting our daughters may come from a place of love, over-sheltering them can leave them unprepared for life’s inevitable hardships.

Drawing from her own experiences—marked by moments of loneliness and vulnerability as a child, wife, and mother—she acknowledges how a lack of resilience and strength hindered her ability to face certain challenges. Her story serves as a poignant reminder of the importance of nurturing not just care, but courage in our girls. By teaching them to take calculated risks and preparing them for life’s complexities, we empower them to thrive, even in the face of adversity.

The many names I carry

I am called many names such as a daughter, wife, mother, grandmother, but being called a sister will be my longest name.

The influence of my parents

My parents passed long ago, I remember them quite vividly as being strong, clever, and resourceful individuals. They had to be as they were part of the first generation of immigrants to come to England in search of a better life. My parents did their best to keep us protected from the influence of the British culture, and its societal norms, which led to them being strict, as they tried to instil in us the values and beliefs that they had grown up with, believing that doing so would enable us to live happily and successfully in the confines of a traditional Indian family in Britain. My parents had constantly fought against the threat of external influences corrupting their daughters therefore they were afraid to let us realise our full potential or explore and experience the world around us.

The role of my sisters

It is strange that although I grew up with my parents around, the dominating figures in my childhood memory are my sisters. I am not sure if this is because my mom’s poor health meant that she was not always present, or that my father worked long hours or that as a middle child I was told what I could or could not do more by siblings than my parents. The absence of my parents had however inadvertently led to my older siblings and I taking on parental role and responsibilities which I had disliked and found confusing.

Feeling overlooked and misunderstood

Growing up in a busy household full of girls I felt I was not listened to and respected like my older siblings, and because I did not appear to present as entertaining or needy like my younger siblings either, I often felt overlooked. I would compare myself to my sisters like others did, and found myself lacking, which made me feel worthless and I succumbed to self-pity and withdrew into myself. Eventually I settled into my mundane life without anyone having any expectations from me to do well at school or home and I did not disappoint.

Struggling to find my place

My relationship with my sisters became strained at times as I felt frustrated because I did not appear to be good at anything and struggled to fit into the peaceful family life that everyone around me was trying to maintain. Therefore, we would get into fights and arguments and because of these I would often stay in my room refusing to come out even at mealtimes, and just cry for what seemed like hours. I started skipping school in my mid-teens and would say and do things deliberately to attract attention just to be noticed, but no one really saw me, or understood who I was. Eventually I stopped pretending to be someone I was not and concentrated on finding out who I really was so that everyone could see me, as I felt I had slowly disappeared from everyone’s hearts and minds in my busy household, and that no one seemed to mind or care that I was lost.

Finding solace in books

Home life still largely consisted of endless chores, but I was gradually getting better at helping my sisters to keep the house clean and tidy, do the cooking and shopping, therefore the disagreements amongst us began to lessen. It was also at this time I began to read fictional books as a means of escaping to another world. My love of books grew along with my imagination, and dreaming helped me to cope with the harsher realities of life and what lay ahead for me and my siblings. My sisters were unaware that I had heard my parents talking when I was still at school about arranging my marriage to someone from India. Initially I had felt anger and resentment, but these feelings quickly turned to worry and anxiety which manifested itself into some of my behaviours.

Entering the workplace

Growing up my siblings and I had not socialised much outside of school apart from with family and relations, so leaving school at the age of sixteen and looking for a job was an exciting time for me. It was not long before I realised that although people came in all different shapes and sizes, they could be happy and confident inside their own skin, no matter what their outward appearance was like. This realisation helped me to become more comfortable with my self-image, and to accept that it was okay, even good to be different not just on the outside but on the inside too. And slowly my insecurities began to fade.

Marriage and motherhood

I was married when I was eighteen and drifted in and out of various jobs before settling down and focusing on my role has a housewife and mother. Even these roles proved challenging at times, but I found solace in my children who loved me unconditionally and drew strength from this knowledge as I embarked on a voyage of self-discovery.

Achieving acceptance

It was not until many years later that I felt confident in the hierarchy of my sisterhood. I was married ‘tick’, I had children ‘tick’, I had a nice house and car ‘tick’, my children did well academically ‘tick’, and I had a professional career! ‘Big tick’, as I could no longer be considered as inadequate, a feeling I was subjected to whilst growing up. I felt that finally my sisters believed I was doing well and that was important to me. However, what they did not see was the despair that these facades sometimes masked. Keeping up appearances and maintaining the family unit was part of the beliefs I had inherited from my upbringing.

Cherished memories

My memories of my sisters and I playing with dolls, and watching TV are clearly etched in my mind, just like the endless summers where we played hopscotch and marbles in the back garden and laughed with the sun on our faces. My memories of my children are of them always being close by my side, sweet and innocent.

Feeling out of place

Despite the happier times and there were many, it is often the darker memories that remain more prominent and leave a deeper impression on the memory such feeling lonely and vulnerable as a child, a wife, and a mother. I feel a great deal of my past has been littered with mistakes and regrets mostly due to not having the strength and resilience to face some of life’s challenges.

As a child I always felt like the odd one out, as if I did not really belong. It is a feeling I have always had, and it is hard to put into words, but I often feel out of place as though I belonged to a different time and place. This feeling of being out of place had persistently stayed with me over the years, and resurfaced at the most peculiar times, but it has lessened with the passage of time.

Lessons learned and bonds strengthened

Life has had its ups and downs but as I approach the twilight years in my life, I understand better how my sisters and I grew up supporting each other, the sacrifices that were made and the opportunities that were lost along the way. My experiences have taught me that there are many different types of love that endure the test of time, not just the hearts and roses kind. My sisters and I share a strong bond from living through shared experiences, and although these have shaped each of our lives very differently, they will always be entwined as my love for my sisters is unconditional, and now we celebrate our differences and thrive in this world that has completely changed since we were little girls.

Empowering the next generation

I continue to maintain a close relationship with my children and feel blessed to be a constant part of their lives. The pleasure I get from knowing my children have grown up to be strong, capable, kind and independent individuals makes me realise that although life can be hard, and full of obstacles, having faith gives you strength to endure hardships, and hope will always help you to get back up again if you stumble and fall.

A message to Asian parents

The world continues to change, and the dilemma’s for Asian parents continue to grow as they try to support the needs of young Asian women who see themselves as equals who have a right to take risks.

In today’s modern society with its educated Asian parents a lot of them still adversely affect their daughters’ opportunities because they are trying to shelter and protect them from potential harm that society can expose them to. But if you truly want help future generation then parents, grandparents, friends and relations should empower girls to take calculated risks so that they can learn to protect themselves, and safely experience this world that is full of wonders, and possibilities. If we don’t do this our girls will not be prepared for the harsher realities of life, when they inevitably leave the sheltered environment of the family home.

Resources for support

There is a lot of support available online to help children and families overcome challenges they may face:

Sister Stories: Melodies of life