As a mother the second time around, I thought I knew what to expect. I braced myself for the first three months—the endless vomiting, the constant nausea—but knowing it would pass kept me going. I reassured myself that the rest of my pregnancy would be smooth, and eventually, I would have a beautiful new addition to my family.

But this time, things felt different. When I finally returned home from the hospital with my second child, I was already dreading being left alone. What was wrong with me? I mentally chastised myself, trying to shake off the heavy fog of uncertainty that loomed over me. I tried to appear cheerful because everyone expected me to be happy. After all, I had a healthy, beautiful baby girl, along with my young son. What reason did I have to complain? I repeated this mantra to myself constantly, but despite my efforts to stay positive, the grey clouds hanging over me would not part.

At the beginning…

My husband seemed oblivious to my struggles. He was from India and come to this country to get married and had very set beliefs on how an Asian household should be managed. These beliefs were based upon his traditional upbringing where the women stayed at home to cook, clean, and raise the children, and should always be polite, presentable, and not complain. Whereas the men were viewed as the bread winners and therefore should be looked after and have more freedom as they were not expected to help with the children or household chores. I did not resent my husband’s beliefs, but found that with us both coming from two different backgrounds as I was born and raised in England, it was hard to make him understand that I needed to feel loved and valued in order to thrive as a wife, mother and housemaker. As for explaining my heightened sense of isolation, distress, and anxiety since giving birth, I sadly lacked the words to make him understand.

Daily Life

Each day felt like a mountain, my mood heavy and my movements slow. I often found myself on the edge of tears, unable to rationalize my feelings, yet I couldn’t shake the overwhelming sadness. I feared neglecting my children, so despite my own struggles, my focus remained on them. As for myself, I lost interest in everything I once enjoyed. I had no appetite, no desire to care for myself, and I began to avoid social interactions, feeling as if I had lost myself completely.

At times, the clouds above me would turn black, like a looming storm, and I would retreat to different rooms, desperate to escape the emotional storm inside me. Then, the inevitable downpour would come—the tears would fall, leaving me hollow, weak, and utterly spent. Hours and days passed in a blur, the fog of despair slowly swallowing me whole. My feelings of isolation deepened, and I began to feel inadequate.

My beautiful daughter cried relentlessly, and I struggled to get her to sleep at night. She had become so accustomed to being in my arms that she refused to sleep when I laid her down. As a result, she mostly slept in my arms, day, and night, leaving me deprived of the sleep I so desperately needed. To enable my husband to sleep undisturbed as he worked long shifts patterns, I started sleeping downstairs, doing my best to get my daughter into a routine. But the exhaustion was overwhelming, and I struggled to find the strength to carry-on.

My Support Network

I had a lot of family around, and they as well as my relatives would visit. Momentarily I would forget my woes and let myself be carried along by their enthusiasm and excitement, but when they left, I felt an overwhelming feeling of sadness again. I felt alone without support and more importantly without someone to confide in, but at the same time, I couldn’t bring myself to admit how badly I was struggling when my family causally asked how I was, ‘I’m fine’ were the only words that came out. I couldn’t seem to find the words to explain what I was feeling, and I feared people might think I couldn’t care for my children. Why couldn’t I ask for help? why didn’t I call the GP and talk to a professional? Questions swirled around in my mind, but the answers eluded me.

Time for Change

Eventually, pretending became too difficult, and I reluctantly confided in my doctor. I admitted I was struggling to cope with the demands of motherhood and housework. His response was dismissive—he said it was perfectly normal to feel this way after having a baby due to hormonal changes, and that it would pass. He prescribed sleep medication and suggested I would feel better in a couple of weeks.

I remember crying as I left the doctor's office, feeling a wave of desperation and frustration. Why hadn't he done more to help me? Why couldn't he see how desperate I was? I took the medication for a few days, but it left me groggy and unable to care for my children, so I stopped.

I eventually called the doctor again, explaining I wasn’t coping. He agreed to send a health visitor to see me. When she arrived, I didn’t hold back. Through tears and sobs, I poured out my feelings of despair, guilt and feeling distressed. She listened with empathy and understanding, and I felt an immense sense of relief. For the first time, I felt like someone truly understood.

The health visitor explained that I was suffering from post-natal depression. She prescribed mild anti-depressants to help me manage the illness. Over the next few weeks, the health visitor visited regularly, and we talked about how I was feeling. She was kind, insightful, and provided me with the guidance I so desperately needed. Slowly, the clouds parted, and rays of sunshine began to break through. The colours of the rainbow returned to my life, filling me with a deep sense of appreciation for the precious gift’s life had given me.

How Life started to get better

With the professional support I received, I made a full recovery from post-natal depression, an illness that had left me feeling distressed and anxious for nearly a year. Before this experience of this illness, I knew very little about post-natal depression, as it wasn’t something openly discussed in my culture and community. Though I had recovered, the illness had left me vulnerable, and over the next four decades, I faced recurring bouts of depression linked to trauma and illness. However, I learned to seek help, educate myself, and manage my mental health. I found the more I opened-up to my family, the more support I received, and I will always be grateful to them. As it is at your darkest times that you need others to shine their light so that you can find your way back home.

Thankfully, things have changed since the early 1980s. Today, healthcare professionals are better trained to recognize the early signs of post-natal depression, and the early intervention they provide helps mothers to adjust to life with a newborn with the support they need. Support can come in many forms from professional help to family involvement. Providing a stronger support network for mothers during what can be a challenging time can make all the difference, to how well they adjust to motherhood. I personally found that when I finally spoke about how I was feeling, it was such a huge relief, it was like I had finally put down a heavy burden I had been carrying. I felt some much lighter afterwards, and to hear that it was common, and mothers experience what I was experiencing and can make a full recovery was so good to hear.

Although we live in a modern world, mothers can still experience difficulties after giving birth, irrespective of whether it is their first child or not. So let us be brave and teach our daughters, and other females that you are brave it you can talk, you are brave if you recognise you need help and reach out. There will always be someone there to hold your hand.

HELP AND SUPPORT

If you or someone you know is suffering from postnatal depression, it's important to reach out for help. You can contact your health visitor, GP, or mental health professional for support and guidance. Here are some helpful resources:

NHS - Postnatal Depression
https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/postnatal-depression/
Mind - Postnatal Depression Support
https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/postnatal-depression/
PANDAS Foundation
https://www.pandasfoundation.org.uk/
The Royal College of Psychiatrists - Postnatal Depression
https://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/mental-health/problems-disorders/postnatal-depression

Different Shades of Me: My Postnatal Journey.