Sister Stories: Unseen scars, impact of alcohol addiction in the South Asian community
Welcome to the second instalment of our Sister Stories Series! đ¸
Join us as we embark on sharing inspiring journeyâs, showcasing the powerful lived experiences of Asian women from all walks of life! Sister stories explores unique stories, diving into the challenges they've overcome, the triumphs theyâve celebrated, and the wisdom theyâve gained along the way. Get ready to be uplifted, enlightened, and inspired by the resilience and strength of our community!
In this edition we hear from someone who has been impacted by alcohol addiction their whole life and is ready to share part of their story here with the AMBER community. If this story does resonate with you, do contact support@ambercommunity.net and share your story too.
âI am writing this in my attempt to raise awareness that addiction doesnât just affect the person struggling with it; it deeply impacts everyone in their orbit, especially the children and partners. The families should be supported and approached with empathy and not silenced and judged. Growing up in a household shadowed by substance misuse can leave lasting scars. This is a story of that journey, with a focus on the unspoken questions and emotional struggles faced by children of addicted parents.
The unspoken questions
â Could we have done more?â
âWhy canât they give up the substance for us?â
âWhy are we not enough?â
âHow can we help?â
âWhen will this cycle stop?â
âWhy do I feel guilty?â
âIs it ok for me to have happy moments when they are suffering?
âWhat will it take for change?â
These are just some of the questions that have constantly filled my mind growing up with a parent struggling with addiction. Although I was fortunate enough to have a loving family I still found I was filled with confusion, guilt, and helplessness. Reflecting back I realise now that the mental and emotional toll was heavy, as I had no way to comprehend the complexities of addiction, nor the understanding to vocalise how I felt.
Understanding addictionâthen and now
As an adult, I understand addiction better. I understand now there are different components of addictions such as physical, psychological, tolerance and loss of control. I also understand it can take different forms such as substance addiction and behavioural addiction. I also understand now addictive behaviours usually come from a place of trauma. But as a child, especially in a South Asian household, I didnât even have a name for it. âAddictionâ was not in my vocabulary and was rarely discussed, let alone understood. There was no internet to explain the erratic behaviours or destructive patterns I witnessed. Instead, I internalised everything: the guilt, the anger, the sadness. I felt isolated, as though no one could relate to what I was experiencing.
The daily toll of addiction on families
Itâs not just the person struggling with addiction who suffersâitâs the whole family. The daily interactions, incidents, and conflicts took a toll on everyone in the household. The emotional strain, the anxiety, the fearâit permeated everything. Researchers today recognise that growing up in such an environment is classified as an adverse childhood trauma (ACEs), which can have long-term effects on mental health and behavior well into adulthood.
For me, it manifested in control issuesâspecifically around food and self-harm. While I couldnât control my parentâs addiction, I sought control over my own life in unhealthy ways, a coping mechanism for the overwhelming emotions I felt.
My experience of coping with the addiction of a loved one
Looking back now, I can see that over the years, Iâve been unknowingly working through the stages of griefâgrieving not for the physical loss of my parent, but for the emotional and psychological loss. Addiction often steals the essence of who someone is, leaving their loved ones grappling with confusion and denial.
At first, there was denial, the constant refusal to accept what was happening. I felt confused by what was happening and did not understand it. Then came the anger. I stayed in that stage for a long time, unable to empathise or show support because I was furious that my parent had chosen the substance over our family.
I think I always return to the bargaining stage, the need to find understandingâasking myself why this happened, and how things could have been different. In the depression stage, I felt overwhelmed by sadness and helplessness, unable to change the situation.
But acceptance has been a long and gradual process. Iâve reached this point through learning more about addiction from various sources and reflecting on the deeper questions. Keeping in mind Gabor Mateâs mantra âDonât ask why the addiction, ask why the painâ has helped me change the types of questions I ask to: âWhat was their childhood like?â âWhat has caused them pain?â âWhat were their parents like?â. Actively seeking answers to these types of questions has helped me to move towards a place of empathy and acceptance.
In my adult life I am now connected to various people in my life who are battling different addictions, and I find now I am better placed to approach these people and situations from a place of empathy and support instead of anxiety and guilt. Personally, the grief cycle never ends for me; I might accept but then I go back to days of sadness and bargaining. However, I have a supportive network which has been key to protecting my mental health. I am also more knowledgeable in the area of addiction and mental health. Gabor Mate believes that trauma is multigenerational and we pass on to our offspring what we havenât resolved in ourselves. Unhealed, trauma can impact how we feel about ourselves, how we see the world, how we get triggered, the kind of relationships we get into. It can also shows up in the form of chronic illness. This increased awareness of mine means I can live in a way where I am pro-active in trying my best to heal my traumaâs to stop them being passed on to my children.
The silence in South Asian communities
In South Asian communities, addiction is often hidden, shrouded in shame and secrecy. But the silence around addiction only intensifies its impact on children. We need to break that silence, and not feel shame and guilt. We need to share the understanding that addiction is a normal response to trauma. By sharing our stories and experiences, we can begin to heal and offer support to others in similar situations. If we shared our stories maybe then we could work together on finding the best approaches to communicate with the children who are suffering in these situations. Maybe then we could put the children in the centre of these situations and work together as a community to ensure the trauma is not passed on to the next generation.
Raising awareness and offering support
To help children dealing with addiction in their families, we must start by acknowledging the problem and talking about it openly. Instead of shaming those under the influence, we need to approach with compassion and consider what the family is going through. We need to provide children with supportive networks of friends and family and teach them that they are not alone in their struggles. Ultimately this is what helped me, having a network of friends and family to turn to that were comforting and warm in their approach.
This article is dedicated to all the children, partners and loved ones who have lost themselves to addiction. It is time we start asking the right questions, offering the right support, and, above all, treating each other with kindness, not judgment.â
Here are some useful links around the topic that have helped me:
Books
In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts: Close Encounters with Addiction (2009) Gabor Matte
The Myth of Normal Trauma, Illness & Healing in a Toxic Culture (2022) Gabor Matte.
Research
Understanding how Families Cope with Alcohol Problems in the UK West Midlands Sikh Community
Podcasts
Dr Gabor Mate on trauma, illness and healing in a toxic culture https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/feel-better-live-more-with-dr-rangan-chatterjee/id1333552422?i=1000579192359
Dr Bessel van Der Kolk on how to heal your past,improve your mental wellbeing and unlock your full potential. https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/feel-better-live-more-with-dr-rangan-chatterjee/id1333552422?i=1000672056778
Resources
Twinkle Twinkle Arti kids storybook: a free book for all children who would like to follow the story of Arti the wishing star. It also aims to help facilitate conversations between trusted adults and children who experience parental alcohol or drug use, using out of this world storytelling by Danielle Slade and wonderful illustrations by Josie Brookes that await you in this book. You will also find conversation prompts at the end of this book.
NSPCC learning and resources: parental substance misuse